Terminal Stage: 4

At the hospital, while Jacky was playing in the playroom by the nurse’s station, Myolie went to see her oncologist. She told her doctor the symptoms that she had this morning and how it was unlike her usual one. She also told him that even though her pregnancy test was negative she still suspected that she is pregnant, since she was getting similar pregnancy symptoms as when she was pregnant with Jacky. After hearing Myolie’s concern, the doctor ordered a more thorough pregnancy test and an ultrasound.

An hour later, after the result had returned, Myolie was called in to talk with her doctor. Anxiously with mix up emotion of hopefulness and worry, Myolie mutely sat across from her doctor and watched him reviewing her test report and photos taken from her ultrasound. Hearing her doctor soft little sigh and wrinkled brows, she asked, “I am, aren’t I?”

“I’m afraid so,” replied her doctor with a calm worry voice. He finally looked up straight into Myolie’s eyes.

Even though Myolie had suspected it, it still came as a shock to her. Her mind quickly became bombarded with worries and fear. Feeling stressed not knowing what to do now, her eyes quickly watered and a drop of her tear rolled down her cheek. Realizing that her mid-fifty-years-old doctor was looking at her for an answer, Myolie snapped out of her thought and quickly wiped her tears away. “I’m sorry,” her thickened voice softly murmured. Swallowing down her tears, Myolie weakly asked, “What should I do now?”

With a sigh, her doctor patiently explained, “Myolie, there are only two options for you to choose from, which are yours or your baby’s life. You won’t be able to continue with your radiation and chemotherapy treatments if you decided on keeping the baby. Without radiation and chemo mean there will be a very high chance for your cancer to spread to your other organ. Beside that, your pain control medications will need to be change to one that won’t harm the baby, which mean it’ll be much weaker. Not only that, as the baby grow it’ll apply pressure to the area of the spine where your cancer is located, it’ll be a great deal of pain for you during your last five months. Also, since cancer fed itself on blood and nutrient nearby, it’ll mean fewer blood supplies will get to your baby, since their location will be close, which also mean your baby will be smaller in size. It’ll be worst if your cancer spread during this pregnancy period. It’ll be fatal to you.”

Frowning, her doctor honestly continued, “Myolie, you can’t expect this baby to be normal and healthy like how your son was when he was born. In order for this child to live, it’ll have to win many battles during the pregnancy and its’ future life. The chance for your baby to be born healthy is very tiny to impossible, even if you were able to carry it to full term. As your oncologist, of course I want you to put your health and your cancer as the top priority. Therefore I would hope that you came to the decision to abort the child, or else there is no way for me to help you control your cancer.” Seeing Myolie placidly sat there without a peep for so long, her doctor suggested, “Maybe have a word with Bosco and come up with a decision together.”

Shaking her head, Myolie cried, “He would not let me keep our child.”

“That’s just because he really love you,” comforted her doctor.

Glancing down at her flat belly, Myolie asked, “Is he or she alright? Did any of my previous treatments harm my baby?”

“We can’t tell by the pregnancy report. And it’s too tiny to really tell from the ultrasound. If it helps you make a decision, I’ll schedule you for genetic counseling to check your baby’s chromosomes to make sure no mutation happened,” offered her doctor. Myolie nodded. Her doctor stated, “Let’s cancel today’s radiation, we don’t want to do anymore harm to your baby until you come up with an answer for us. And I’ll schedule you to see a genetic counselor tomorrow to collect a sample of your baby’s amniotic fluid; it won’t take more than two hours. But for the lab to process the test, it’ll take them about a week to have the result back to me. So call me next week to ask for them. Will tomorrow be alright with you?”

Speechlessly all Myolie could do was nod. Walking over to give Myolie a pat on her shoulder, her doctor comforted, “Myolie, I wanted you to know that either choices you pick, I’ll support you the best I could to accomplish your goal. But please don’t take too long to give me your answer. It is far safer to abort when you are less than three months pregnant. You’re two months pregnant already and your health can’t be delay for too long either. Go home, discuss it with your husband, and call me anytime if you are confused about anything that I had told you today.”
……………….

Myolie end up being done with her appointment an hour early, since she didn’t had to do her radiation therapy. Feeling really lost from the long talk with her doctor, Myolie felt exhausted and couldn’t really comprehend any of the instruction her doctor gave her. All she remembered from the entire visit was that she is pregnant and scheduled to check on her baby tomorrow morning. Also that in order for her baby to live, she’ll greatly increase her risk of dying. Dazing out the glass wall toward the front entrance of the hospital, Myolie sat there like a statue the entire hour, lost in her own world.

Meanwhile, Jacky had been playing nearby, hopping from one tile to the next. He finally got impatient and went to ask his mommy the hundredth times, “Mommy, when will daddy be here to drive us to Uncle Moses and Aunty Bernice? Mommy? Mommy!”

Blinking, Myolie finally realized her son was trying to talk to her. She gave him a weak smile and asked, “What do you need?”

“When is daddy going to pick us up?” he asked again.

Looking at her watch, Myolie replied, “He should be on his way now.” Tilting her son’s chin up and looking straight into his eyes, Myolie seriously asked, “Jacky, would you like to have a little brother or sister to play with you?”

“Mommy’s having a baby?!” excitedly asked Jacky.

Not wanting to disappoint Jacky in the future if they did decide on abortion, Myolie shook her head. “No, mommy just wanted to know,” she told her son.

Frowning a little in disappointment, Jacky confusedly answered, “Yes…no…I mean…” Pouting, Jacky informed in a soft voice, “Yes, but daddy say not to say ‘yes’ to mommy, if mommy ask about it…” His voice trailed off. Jacky pressed his lips not sure if he got in trouble for what he just said.

Fully understanding why her husband would instruct Jacky to do so, Myolie sighed knowing that her husband just didn’t want her to abandon her cancer treatment. She patted her son’s head and assured, “It’s alright, you can tell mommy what you truly think. Mommy won’t tell daddy.”

Smiling, Jacky happily said, “I wanted a little brother, so we can play games together. Daddy always had to work and mommy doesn’t know…how to play good…” Jacky sheepishly bit his lower lip. Myolie let out a weak chuckle and encouraged him to continue. “Daddy said that if we are going to have a baby in the future, he wanted me to have a little sister. Daddy said then it’ll be a happy family with a mommy, a daddy, me, and a baby sister…”

Feeling surprise, Myolie questioned, “Daddy said all of those to you? When did you two have this talk?”

Pondering, Jacky finally recalled and cheerfully replied, “The day after we went to Ocean Park to visit mommy dolphin and baby dolphin. I told daddy I wanted a baby brother. Daddy said not to say the same thing to mommy.”

“Where was I? How come I didn’t…”

“Mommy, you were showering. But mommy, I want a little brother. Girls are kind of annoying,” informed Jacky.

Gazing at her son with slit eyes, Myolie reminded, “Then why you like playing with Nancy so much?”

“Well, she sometime gets annoying too and she cries easily too. She always wanted to play house before she would play tag with me! I don’t want to have a sister like Nancy, who makes me play house with her all the time. I rather have a brother, than we can play tag all the time,” exclaimed Jacky. Curiously, Jacky asked, “Daddy also said that having a baby is a lot of pain for mommy. Is that true?”

Chuckling lightly, Myolie replied, “Well, mommy had you. You were a baby once yourself.”

“I don’t remember being painful,” stated Jacky with arched brows while Myolie laughed louder. “Daddy!” shouted Jacky as he pointed toward the entrance door.

Myolie quickly instructed, “Jacky, don’t tell daddy that we talked about baby, alright?”

“How come?” asked Jacky. He was confused to why both his parents treated the baby topic like some kind of a sin.

“Just promise mommy,” instructed Myolie. Jacky nodded. Quickly silencing the topic, Myolie gave her husband a smile.

“Hey did you two waited long?” asked Bosco as he leaned in to peck his wife on the cheek and ruffled Jacky’s hair.

Trying to straighten his hair again, Jacky complained, “We waited for so…” His mouth was quickly covered by his mommy. Making him glanced up at them confusedly.

“Not long at all, we just barely walked out. You know how long the process usually takes. He’s just so impatient,” said Myolie. Looking into her husband eyes, Myolie felt stressed now after knowing her husband wanted a daughter, which proof that he had been lying to her just to make her feel better. She deeply exhaled and felt a headache coming up. “Let’s go,” she urged.

After getting into their car, Bosco asked, “Should we go buy something before we head over to Moses and Bernice?”

Buckling in, Jacky cheered from the back seat, “Yeah, chocolate cake!”

“Let’s just go home,” said Myolie gloomily.

Feeling disappointed, Jacky protested, “Why mommy? You promised that we’re going over to Uncle Moses…”

“Jacky, mommy’s tired. We’ll go another day…”

“Not fair! Daddy didn’t come home early like you promised. We didn’t go out for buffet like you promised, and now we are not even going over to Uncle Moses and Aunty Bernice like you promised?” disappointedly grumbled Jacky.

Caringly thinking that it must be her treatment bothering her, Bosco reached to pat Myolie on her lap and asked, “Are you feeling really sick?” She shook her head to his concern. Smiling, Bosco suggested, “We did tell them that we are coming over. Maybe you could lie down to rest for awhile when we get there. You know your old room and bed is still there…”

“Bosco, I really wanted to go home,” said Myolie definitely.

“Is there something about the appointment that I should know about? Is it spre…”

“No,” dreaded Myolie. She sighed tiredly, “I’m okay. No, noting spreading. I just wanted to go home. Can’t I just go home when…”

Pouting with disappointment and hoping that his mom would change her mind, Jacky whined, “But mommy, I wanted to play with…”

“Jacky, enough!” scolded Myolie, which she quickly regretted when she realized that she was yelling. Jacky became really silent with eyes darted at her for being this harsh to him. It was the first time that his mommy had ever yelled at him this loudly.

Seeing Myolie looked really stressed and this sudden outburst, especially toward her most loved son, made Bosco really worried about her. He just knew that something was just not right. Reaching over trying to pull Myolie in for a hug to comfort her, he was taken back when Myolie shrugged him away.

Shutting her eyes with her fingers massaging her forehead, Myolie softened her tone and apologized, “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Mommy didn’t mean to yell at you. Mommy is having a headache and just needed to rest at home. Maybe have daddy drive you over to Uncle Moses to play with Nancy…”

“No! I want to go home!” grouchily replied Jacky with an angry pout.

“Myolie…”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Just drive us home,” stubbornly stated Myolie with frustration.

“I knew I should have goes with you to all of your appointments,” exclaimed Bosco. Myolie turned to dart at him for the meaning behind his words. In a more caring tone, Bosco continued, “If you could tell me what it’s, maybe I could help…”

“What could you help me with?” distressingly asked Myolie in a growl. She clamed herself down and expressed her feeling in a ramble, “I’m tired of this, Bosco. I no longer know what I should do. I don’t know what choice is right or wrong.”

Suspiciously, Bosco looked straight at Myolie and asked, “What kind of decision did you need to make?”

Ignoring his question, Myolie continued, “I don’t want you to treat me like I needed to live in a bubble. I don’t want you to purposely force yourself to smile to cheer me up, while I had to force myself to smile back. I don’t want you to tell me how one thing is not important to you, but once I’m not around you think differently. I don’t want you to think that I’m getting sicker or worry about my cancer spreading whenever I looked tired after a treatment. I don’t want to force myself to act healthy each time to ensure that you’re not worry about me. Why do we have to put on an act in front of each other? What is the point to this? Sometime I just wish that my cancer would spread, than I can…”

“You did not mean that!” scolded Bosco inflamingly. “Myolie, what’s this all about?” asked Bosco furiously to why his wife suddenly acted this way. “I’m sorry that you think I made you felt this unhappy, but what you think I should do? I’m your husband, isn’t it my responsibility to care about you? How you think it make me feel to see you suffer, but can’t do anything to help you, but instead I had to pretend to believe you when you say that it doesn’t hurt as bad as it seem! The only reason for me to worry about you constantly is because I love you! Because I’m really afraid of having that day arrive, the day when I’ll woke up not being able to see you sleeping next to me!”

“I never doubted your love, Bosco! I just hated myself for making you suffer like this! I hated how you kept putting me before everything! Do you understand that it become a great pressure on me?”

“Why must you calculate who made who suffer? Does it really matter that much? Must I have cancer too, so you can worry about me to make it fair? If you love me then let me love you unconditionally! What’s the point of weighting yourself like this?”

“Then why can’t I be the one that sacrifice! Why do you have to force me to think of myself all the time? Why can’t we think of you for once?”

“What are you talking about?” asked Bosco confusedly.

“Please don’t fight!” cried Jacky loudly and uncontrollably, which silenced his two parents right away. Jacky cry became the only sound in the car.

Sitting in the front passenger side, Myolie mutely cried as she gazed out the window. A bit angry with the way his wife think herself as a burden to him, Bosco darted his eyes out the opposite direction as he sat in silent too. Both of them can understand why each other would act the way they had acted and know that they are suffering together no matter who was the one with cancer.

Feeling tired from crying for a long period of time, Jacky’s cry slowly died out. He began to have the sniffle and tiny hiccup. Seeing his parents not talking with each other made him worry if he had been so bad that they were mad at him now. Tearing, Jacky apologized, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to go to Uncle Moses and Aunty Bernice anymore. Please don’t get mad.”

Sighing, both Bosco and Myolie said in unison, “It’s not your fault.” They looked at each other for a split second before averting their eyes elsewhere again. Shutting his eyes briefly to gather his thought, Bosco turned to face Myolie wanting to apologize, but she was looking out the window. Still a bit angry, he just brushed off his thought of apologizing and started his car to drive them home. The entire ride was in total silent. Yawning, Jacky watched cars drive by and slowly dozed off with his dried tears marking his cheeks.
……………